The “Outsider” Experience
One of my favorite books I read in middle school was “The Outsiders” by SE Hinton. Written by a teen herself, at a time when female writers were hardly recognized, Hinton wrote the book with a pen name so no one would know she was a female. She wrote about the timeless divide between class, violence and loss of youth innocence.
The book hit home for me in several ways, allowing me to find solace through validation of the concept that being an “outsider” is a real experience, and deeply felt by some children from an early age. Differences in; socio-economic status, religion, identification, race or gender can widen the gap between people so much that it creates animosity, fear, or an “otherness” experience. And families with uniquely presenting differences can be ostracized by others due to these features.
From the time I was born to the age of 10, I was raised in a religious cult that resembled a very archaic, patriarchal breed of Christianity. Women were not allowed to wear “men’s clothing,” or “adorn themselves in vain;” therefore they needed to wear only modest dresses or skirts (knee length), covered up with no jewelry or makeup. Women were there to be supporters of their spouses, to raise the children, and to work only in the home. It was like a return to 1950’s housewife in Amish country!
There were many other strange rules of the church, allowing men to be the speakers of God, coming and going as vagabonds to the homes of fellow church community members, indoctrinating non-believers into the “word of the truth.” There was nothing other than the “truth,” and everyone on the outside was a sinner and would eventually be going to Hell.
Needless to say, the church viewed us as Outsiders, the ones who were “Saved” as opposed to the ones who “Sinned.” And we were taught to view the world only through this lens, of the “black and white.” It created a strong “othering” dynamic on both sides. The other children at school did not understand why I had to wear a dress every day that looked as though I had popped right out of the TV Show “Little House on the Prairie,” and I could only explain that it was “what we believed,” making me seem even stranger and more alien than everyone else.
This Outsider view was internalized from an early age, and has stuck with me, even after our family left the church, and I was allowed to wear “normal clothes,” which at the time consisted of a late 90’s fashion; baggy jeans, T-shirt, and a black leather jacket. And even though I looked like I fit in (finally), the internalized dissonance of “otherness” was still palpable and strong.
We were no longer accepted by the church community, and I still felt different from my peers. I didn’t speak or act the same; I generally was well mannered, and everyone thought I was the quiet, good-goody smart kid. I really didn’t mind being the “smart kid” though, I had always escaped through reading books for hours, had a large vocabulary and affinity for writing when some kids couldn’t even name a good book they enjoyed.
Unfortunately, the “Outsider” experience was also a curse. It meant that I never truly felt that I fit in. The bullying and teasing I experienced early on from being “different” meant that I had an internal narrative that I would never truly be liked for who I was. This is a deep rooted core belief that is hard to overcome. Even recently I found myself standing apart, on the sidelines at a friend’s wedding, looking on at the guests having an amazing time, while holding myself apart. This time it wasn’t because I wouldn’t have been accepted, it was because my experience has lead me to become a programmed observer of social dynamics. Alas, the outsider turned psychotherapist.
Today, I meet my clients in the counseling room and recognize that many of them have felt like Outsiders, too. That growing up in a community that is more affluent or has more privileges does not necessarily make them any of them more sheltered from the feeling of “otherness” by anyone else’s standards. The internalized otherness can stem from loneliness, feeling misunderstood by their peers, or having a different belief system from other families.
The teen years have always been hard, and recognized as relatable to the book “The Outsiders” to this day. We may not have the label of “Socs” or the “Greasers” but perhaps it is differences in gender identity or political persuasion. Is it okay to identify as LGBTQIA in a town with a large conservative standing? Do kids feel they have to shield their identities from the ones they love due to potential judgement?
If you have ever found yourself relating to the “Outsider Experience,” just know that you are not alone. Whatever the reason for it, there is a place where you will be understood, accepted and valued exactly as you are. You may still be searching for this space, even though you may be long past the teen years, that 15 year old inside is still longing to find their place in the world.
If you have felt a connection to what I wrote here, please reach out to connect. We get it, we understand, and we know that it takes courage to put yourself out there to talk about your experience. And when you are ready, you will discover the internal acceptance, validation and value you always wanted.
Contact us @ counseling@everyheartdreams.com.
